Really, they're bad for me?

Let me preface this story by telling you I HATE STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

Today after an all night drinking party with some friends, in which I won several games of beer pong (go me!), I walked into my local Seven Eleven. Confident in the fact that I looked like death warmed over, and probably reeked of beer I strolled leisurely to the back of the store to get my daily Lo-Carb Monster in high hopes that the pounding headache I had would subside a little. After finding the XXL can of energy, I strolled up to the check out and placed it on the counter to be scanned in. Then in my weakened painful voice I said, "Can I also get a pack of Marlboro Lights in a box as well?" To some of you this is disgusting, but hell I had a headache and it needed to go away! The hangover cure of all hangover cures! The clerk looked at me after putting the little box of treasures down, and in his best broken English said, "You do know that these aren't good for you, don't you?"

STOP IT! Alert the media, stop the presses..... holy fucking shit, really?!?!?! OMG, is that the reason for the Surgeon General's Warning on the side of that little pack? I have always wondered why that was posted there! Shut your fucking face! So I looked at the nice and insightful clerk and said, "Hmmmmm, really? You don't say. You think you could go ahead and ring up a lighter for those as well?" I paid out and then left.

So to the man out there who was so concerened with my health, thank you! I can now say my life is complete after you nice little news flash. Really though, just learn to keep your stpid comments to a minimum!

Funky Town

So I must tell you, I had the opportunity of a lifetime! This past Saturday I attended a bachelorette party in the Fort Worth Stockyards... real cowboys and all! The night was eventful, as you will recall from my last post, I commented on the fact that there is always an interesting something that happens.... well this time lots of interesting somethings happened.

The night started out at Joe T Garcia's (excellent mexican food!), where all 12 of us sat at a table and were serenaded my a mariachi band. Drinks were consumed and shots were bought for the bride to be. From there we went back to the hotel room where all 12 girls got ready to go out for the evening. I know you guys are thinking 12 girls in one room, but no the naked pillow fights did not start... yet! We left the hotel, and I being the only sensible person there wore the ole flip flops, everyone else.... 2.5 to 3 inch heals! Hell we were walking all night long, I'll be damned if my feet were going to hurt. I wore a cute little sundress with the casual shoes, and we were off to a night of fun.

Our first stop was at a walk up bar, where our first round of drinks were bought by a Harley Davidson fan in his leather and driving goggles. For those of you who are unclear you may walk around the stockyards with beer in hand, and its perfectly legal!! YES!!!! From there we made our way to Cadillacs, where more drinks were bought and more shots for the bride! There was dancing, ass grabbing, cussing, drinking, smoking, and no Sassy no Doo Doo Brown Waterproffing! We even checked out all the hot cowboys (and can I just say, "Holy shit they were pretty!!!").Well about 1:00 AM and after we had lost two good women to the throws of vomittville... We left!

Now remember earlier that I said I was the only one in sensible shoes? Well the bride to be wears a size 9 and I wear a size 7-7 1/2.... her feet hurt. Of course being the good friends that I am, I traded shoes when she asked me too. At least she was comfortable.... I on the other hand was trying to master the art of walking in heels that were 2 sizes two big on cobblestone streets! I magnificent sight I am sure! (I am going to let you guys in on a little secret, I am VERY talented! I fall down all the time, and on some occasions, it lands me in the ER). That being said, I made it about 20 feet, stopped to cross the street and opps I did it again! I feel on my bottom, in a dress, holding a beer, and all in front of a cop on the other side of the street! Smells held my dress down while i go ungracefully tried to get up in heels that again I say were two sizes too big! Well we made it to the other side of the treat after that without another incident, well I mean as everyone laughed so hard I thought that they too might bite the big one. We got to the other side of the street and thank goodness, the cop was gone!

That's when our bride saw him on it. The dude on the Harley Motorcycle. She ran over hopped on and said, lets go for a ride! So they did.... I hear my self saying this is not good, what am I going to tell her future husband, "Yeah, she didn't come back because she jumped on the back of a motorcycle, and road off into the sunset!" Thank goodness that they just went around the block, she was back safe with us!!! But then- Lolita jumped on the back and before anyone could say anything she was off down the strip as well. Oh no my rational thoughts are flooding back, "What in the hell am I going to tell her parents.... we lost her, shes gone!!" She made is back scared shitless, it was her first time on a motorcycle!

Well we walked back to the hotel where all 12 of us put on our jams, and got ready for bed when it hit.... the I am drunk and hungry feeling. So we headed out to the favorite 24 hour service right around the corner, Whataburger! At 2:30 in the AM you can get all kinds of things there. Lolita got a cheeseburger and I got breakfast taquitos! So Good!!!!! There were pickles thrown, ketchup tossed, and salsa downed like shots. You know your typical, we think we are back in college moments and we aren't 25 and 26, but rather we are 18! After the realization that there was no way we needed to be there any more and the fact we were all about to fall asleep we heading back to the hotel where the pillow fights ensued, and the prank calls to random people as well. All in all it was a great night!

Ron White!

Well i was reminded of a story that happened about a year ago, it was an interesting night....

Well, you never know what kind of trouble can find me, till you are with me. If you are unsure, hang out for about and hour or so, and something unique will always happen!

Last summer I made a trip to Fort Worth with a friend to hang out and catch some dinner with her own Captain Slapdick, Mark. Uncertain of what the night held for us we started out in downtown Cow Town. Now if you know me, I really don't ever care what I eat, as long as it is not Sea Food (the shot in the leg is not that appealing to me-- damn allergies!). After about 30 minutes of not finding a parking place we headed to the parking garage and unknowingly parked on the E Level. We started walking downtown, still uncertain of what it was that we were hungry for, but a few feet from the parking garage we decided on 8.0 (and since I am a math teacher I will use the word point in pronouncing this restaurant, it is not "Eight - O"). It would have been really nice if we had not had to wait for 30 minutes just to order drinks from Alex (Al if you will). But fair enough.... where else can you get chicken pasta salad with Italian stuff, a chicken sandwich on jalapeno bread, honey-mustard chicken plate,and enchiladas? What an eclectic mix huh? Well Al was a little slow, and it took quite a while for the food to come out, during that time we were denied refills on the beverages, but as soon as the food came out, Good Ol' Al brought out some more tea and another Dr. Pepper. I did find it endearing that Mark gently placed a napkin in Cole's lap, I told him that I was a big girl and could take care of that for myself, but it was nice to be thought of! The food was pretty good, so all in all i was pleased with the choice that was made for me; if you know me I did NOT make a decision at all! Then we were off to The Flying Saucer.... I had what she was having, a cider flavored malted beverage. I must be showing my age, because I was not asked for my ID anywhere I went that night, am I really that old?!?!? GEEZ! After we each had a beer, and $20.00 later, we were off. Now I don't know about you, but $5 a for a pint of beer is kinda pricey, thanks for that one buddy it was well worth your five bucks!!

Now earlier I mentioned that we did not notice that we parked on the E Level of the parking garage.... well we lost the car. We went to every floor of the garage, and after a few tries, finally got smart and used the alarm on the keyless entry to locate the car that was on the level below us! We are tards sometimes!

We went to a very "classy" place, Baker's Street Pub, but Mikayla, a girl that was with another guy we meet up with, was not so classy. She was wearing a silver night gown that barely covered her ass and titties. Super trashy, when she stated that all Texas boys are the same (guess she had a bad experience one time-- but I can not blame the person that gave her the bad experience, she was far from cute!!!!), and then looked around like she had a bad taste in her mouth. Maybe it was a mixture of the MGD and the shots that she was downing. What a WHORE, she didn't care for any of the people there, except maybe her own self (face it we are a fun bunch)! When we got there we were informed that the power had gone out for two hours and it emptied out, so we had the place all to ourselves, or so we thought! Just as were getting started on the beers, Ron White came in. Now I am not so sure this was Mr. White, because he used the code name "Mike", but he sure looked like him, talked like him, and well..... was just plain hilarious like him. If fact this guy was so funny he became the life of the party! He talked a lot about women, and his girls. Told stories about girls that were "still weighing", and least us not forget Mother Fucker... What? Now under normal circumstances the What would be replaced with a WOW, but in his case what was a correct change for him! This man did not ever put down his "cocktail" unless it was to light a "rocket"! What is rocket you ask............? Well that's what he called his Newport Menthol Cigs! I know I know, he says it just goes straight to the lungs, and doesn't linger. Mother Fucker WOW! Now this guy I have to admit was quite the horn dog, in just meeting us he delved into a wide variety of jokes, that hardly seemed appropriate in front of such a nice, sweet, innocent, lady like myself! (you can stop laughing I AM all of the above!!!) Ron... AKA Mike, had us all laughing so hard that Cole and I had to take a break, can you believe it, we had to excuse ourselves because our stomach muscles were aching so hard from laughing. Our get away? We went where every red-blooded American girl goes in a pack.... the restroom. We began laughing so hard that Cole's hidden talent surfaced, and soon I was laughing so hard she rubbed of on me and I let out a little snort as well. Well after our sabbatical, we were back at the bar and it was time to leave. Ron tried to make out with my friend, and then gave me what he liked to call a REAL embrace (in other words my boobies pressed firmly... very firmly... to his chest). Now I am not sure, but he might have even stolen a feel! Perv, I mean i am half his age!

It was then time for everyone to go home there was only one of us out that night that did not have to work the next day, now it is time for me to go off and take a nap, I am sure I will have more stories for you after tonight. Lolita and I are out on the town looking for some cute guys!!!

OK here it goes

I must say that before I begin my rantings, if you are allergic to cuss words, read no further!





OK, so I guess I now have this friend, we shall call him Captain Slapdick, and recently we broke up. Or at least I think we did, the fucker sent me a text message saying that we didn't need to see each other anymore. I mean really, what the fuck am I supposed to think? You big pussy, at least call me if you don't have the balls to sit down and talk face to face.


Here is the story.... I went out with my friend Lolita and Smells one night. After we waited for a damn hour for Smells' husband and Lolita's friends to get to the bar we were all meeting at, we decided that we would call and see where all these fuck faces were. We called and called, and every time we got Lolita's drunk dad acting like he was the FCC (Fucking Communications Council) in India. We heard all kinds of comments from Doc (Lolita's dad is the only doctor in the small town we were in), after about 20 minutes of stupid comments, and us not being able to talk to Frodo (Smells' husband) we went to Doc's house. As the three of us get out of the truck we realize that there are no friends and no Frodo. The next thing I know Captain Slapdick is by my side telling us about the two bottles of tequila that the boys including Doc had drank, and then they let them all drive to meet us! Fuckers! Why would you let them drive? This should have been my first indication that Slapdick wasn't the most intelligent person!!!!


So the girls got back into the car and drove back to the bar, but on the way Slapdick started texting Lolita. "OH BB is soooooo cute, would you mind giving me her number so I can take her out??!?!, Can I come out with y'all so I can get to know BB?!?!?!" Well long story short he ended up coming out and we hit it off, for about a month. The whole time, he tried to consume my life.... always wanting to go out with myself and my friends. Going out for drinks with his friends.... My bad Sassy for not being around too much during the month, but it was new and exciting.


Well trouble was around the corner when I found out that he was not COMPLETELY divorced. We got over that, and continued to hang out after the divorce was finalized. And then........ the text message. Mind you it was all after we had spent a weekend together, and no indication things were bad, "Its not you its me. I don't think we need to see each other anymore... but we can still be friends" WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!? Where in the hell did that come from? Do you have balls? You mean to tell me that you are going to send me a text to break up? Stupid ass fucker! What a Slapdick!


Why am I upset? I think I am upset because I don't get dumped. Should have let it go for another two weeks so I could break up with you! He was starting to get on my nerves so I am sure it would have been a matter of time before I fucked him over! That's my job as the smart ass; Sassy, Lolita, and Smells all agree! Now before all of you think that I am bitter, I am not we are still friends and he finally got that stick out off his ass and talked to me. Things are good now. That is the drama that has consumed my life the past week and I just needed to let it out. Thanks!

Back Again

So my good friend the whore face Sassy finally got me back into the blogging thing. Why you ask? Well she knows me pretty well, and lets just face it, I need a place to vent! So I am back again. Turns out that I am a computer-tard, and we have spent the past 2 hours trying to build this thing in html, URL's, and JPIG. What does all that mean?!?!?! I have to tell you, I suck at grammar and spelling, for this reason I am in a field where I use it everyday, so in advance, sorry about all the mistakes. I would rather type what I am thinking when I m thinking it and then I forget to go back and check for the mistakes! So sue me. More to come, I have lots of stories to tell!